Detention? Fuck the police.

Yep, detention. Another staple of high school. I’ve been in detention for excessive tardies before, but I think I had a funnier reason for being in this time.
You see, last Thursday  I called in sick due to lack of giving a fuck. So when I actually came to school on Friday, I had shit to make up. I had a test in Honor’s English that I hadn’t studied for, since Thursday was the in-class review/discussion of the book we’d just read. (Merchant of Venice – Shakespeare)
Well when I got to English, I saw we had a substitute teacher.
And a plot formed in my head.

(At my school, 4th hour is lunch hour. I have English 4th hour. We have a lot of students in our school, so we have three lunches at three half-hour intervals over the hour and a half that is 4th hour. Kids with First Lunch go right to lunch after 3rd hour, then go to their 4th hour class. Kids with Third Lunch go to their class right after 3rd hour, then eat after an hour of class, and proceed to 5th hour. I have Second Lunch. The way that Second Lunch works is that I go right to 4th hour after 3rd, and have a half hour of class. After that half hour, I go to lunch for a half hour. I then go back to class and finish the second half of the
hour. I like second lunch because it really breaks up the hour and makes it seem shorter.)

Anyway, since we had a test that day, we were going to take Third Lunch so that no one would exchange answers at lunch or some shit.
But I had no intention of taking the test.
I explained to the old lady Sub that since I had been gone on the review day, I shouldn’t take the test. After a bit of haggling she believed me, and then had no clue what to do with a kid who wasn’t taking the test. She handed out the tests to all of the other kids in the room, and told me to just go out in the hallway and work on homework from my other classes, and that we’d be taking Third Lunch.

So I was successfully out of the room.
Now it was all too easy. I waited outside the hall and finished my math homework for five minutes (this is all during First Lunch, about 15 minutes in) to make sure she wouldn’t look outside for me. After I determined that the coast was clear, I ran my ass off to lunch and took all three lunches.I wasn’t spotted by any teachers in lunch, and got away with it for the most part.

Except when my teacher flipped shit and gave me detention on Monday. Apparently the Sub thought that I had been kidnapped/abducted (inside the school? The fuck?), so she flipped out and had a total breakdown looking for me until someone suggested that maybe I’d just left, which brought on a fit of rage, resulting in her writing a very pissed-off note to my teacher.
So I ended up with two hours of detention, the most I’ve ever had for one offense. Everyone found it hilarious except for my parents. Weird.

So was this worth it? I’d say yes. It’s definitely a good, funny story to recount, and fucking with subs is always fun.

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‘Arthur’ Movie Review

I just got back from seeing Arthur at the theater. This is a re-make of the 80’s classic, which forever holds a place in my heart. Russel Brand played the titular character in this iteration, and despite my previous bias, I though that he did a very good job.
But the star of Arthur, in my opinion, is Arthur’s butler (or nanny in the remake) , Hobson. Hobson is a snobby Brit, and John Gielgud’s original performance won him an Oscar, and was hysterical. Hellen Mirren took up the role this time, and it was still pretty damn funny. No one can ever hope to outdo Gielgud, but Mirren was a good mix of snobby and sympathetic. My only critique of her acting was that the original Hobson was a bit more snobby, cynical, and rude, but since this is a remake after all, I guess that maybe they didn’t want her trying to play the exact same character.
Arthur’s love interest, Naomi (name change this time around) wasn’t much to write home about.  I don’t know the actress’s name, nor do I care enough to learn it. Liza Manelli played the role originally, so this bitch had no chance to outdo her. Basically, whenever she came on-screen, no fucks were given.
Well, at least from my part.
This film was a bit more campy and goofy than the original, but is still definitely worth going to see.
Overall, I’d give the 2011 iteration of Arthur a solid 8.9/10.

I saw the film with my girlfriend, Katie. I met her parents today, and they seemed to approve of me. It made me really happy, as seen in my previous post, Katie and I really feel strongly about each other.
I think I’m definitely going to stick to this girl, she’s really something else.

So this is my first attempt at a review, while short and not detailed on the plot, I hope this’ll be helpful to people considering going to see the film.

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Underage (almost) sex, woohoo!

So today is my second post about the weekend. Yesterday was great, and is the day I’ll be covering here.

After my OM team had a celebratory dinner after competition, we all went home. Kelan got dropped off at my house to sleep over for the night right afterwards, so we had a good time fucking around all night.
We watched The Big Lebowski, played Call Of Duty: Black Ops even though we hate that game, and opened up the glowsticks I’d gotten earlier that day. We turned out every light in my basement and took off our pants to have a lightsaber duel at 2 AM, it was the shit.

The next morning, Sunday, we hung out with Katie all day. It was really great, I hadn’t had any alone time at all for 4 weeks, so we had our fun. My mom had left the house, so Kelan played video-games in the basement (or so he told us at the time) while we fucked around in my bed. Most of the time he watched us.
We’ve only really gotten a chance to make out until now, so Sunday was fucking amazing. We started out just making out as usual, until we noticed Kelan standing in the doorway staring at us creepily. I shut the door, and shooed him off to play Black Ops.
Katie’s top came off almost instantly, so that was of course the shit. Awesome, awesome tits.  Seriously, boobs are the most fun toy in the world, any straight guy can attest to that.
Anyway, make out with tits out for a few minutes, my pants come off. Katie starts blowing me. Sweet Jesus, I’ve been blown before, but that was an amazing experience solely because I actually really care about her.
After a few minutes of that, I slid my hand down her pants to finger her. I love when girls moan, so this was like the most beautiful orchestra in the world to me. After she came, I kind of ended up on top of her. I had no pants on. She was ass naked. We kind of looked at each other, and she broke the silence and said it.

“So… Do you want to do it?” She said with a scared breath. I looked at her longingly, and we had a good five minute discussion of us going back and forth trying to decide whether to have sex or not.
In the end, she told me it was my decision. I decided not to.
Now, if you know me, this is beyond out of character for me: This is fucking alien. But I want to make this relationship last. I want to take things slowly so that we don’t do anything we regret.

And y’know, I think I made the right decision. If anyone reads this, please comment whether you think I was a dumbass or made the right choice.

I love this girl. I’ve been terrified to use that word, but I finally did. And I think it was right. I want to make this moment special. I don’t want to fuck her, I want to make love to her.

And I can wait a while for that moment to come. And I hope that when it does, I’ll be ready.

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Odyssey of the Mind World, bitches

This weekend was pretty awesome. I’m splitting it up into two posts because each topic varies so differently.

Here, I’ll talk about Saturday.
Yesterday was Michigan’s State Competition for Odyssey  of the Mind. For those who don’t know what OM is, you have a few months to write a skit that meets certain themes and criteria that costs under 120 dollars to produce, requiring a set, costumes, and props.

There are four divisions for OM, separated by age. Division 1 is grades K – 4, Division 2 is grades 5 – 8, Division 3 is grades 9 – 12, and Division 4 is College on. I’m in Division 3, and there are usually very few teams in our division. We were up against 3 other teams.

Our team took first place, which won us gold medals and a trophy. We’ll now advance to the World Competition held in at Maryland University, where teams from literally all over the world will be competing. We made it to World last year, and befriended a Japanese team. We’ll get to stay in the university dorms for 3 days, so that’ll be a good time.

I’ll write my second post tomorrow, so adios to all for now~

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Mr. Mask: Masked Vigilante

So I basically sorted out my angsty teenager bullshit. Katie decided not to give a fuck about Mary, so now we’re all happy. Fuck the police.

But now, if I may introduce to you…

Mr. Mask

Yes, Mr. Mask.
Mr. Mask has been spray painted to have fake burns, and lit aflame with fire to have real burns.
You see, I was at lunch the other day, and had a plate, Sharpie, and pocketknife on hand. I drew a face on the Styrofoam plate out of boredom, then had the idea to cut out the mouth so I could stick my tongue out of it and lick my friends’ faces when they least expect it.
But then I had an accidental epiphany. I spoke in my deep, gravely “Batman voice” (which sounds like a chain-smoking bear, so just like Christian Bale as Batman!) and had an idea:

Mr. Mask would be a masked vigilante. Jokingly, of course. See, most people hated the mask, so it was constantly torn up, and I would staple and tape it back together, because it made it look fucking creepy, which I find hilarious.  As you can see, I look like a goddamn serial killer.

The extent of my ‘actions of justice’ included eating lunch through my mouth hole, telling 12 year old girls on the bus to beware rapists as they walk home, and then laughing maniacally as they run away terrified (and sometimes crying), and saying,”Move along, citizen.” Every time someone looked at me like I was on meth.

Most of my teachers hated Mr. Mask. I was usually told to remove the mask, and if the assistant principal saw me, he’d yell for me to take it off.
Well, today he fucking took my mask.

I was running laps through the hallways with  my Spanish class (it was for the class) while wearing Mr. Mask. Principal Asshole saw me, and shouted at me to stop. I did, and he demanded that I hand him the mask. I sadly complied, and gave it to him. I silently trailed him for a little while to see where he’d throw it away, but he was smart. He held on to it.

So now that Mr. Mask is gone, the only other mask in the school is my sidekick, Mask-Boy. Kelan made a mask too, it’s the shit.

I’ve made a Facebook page urging everyone in my school to make a mask and wear it, and by the number of people liking the page, I think we could have a league of masked vigilantes walking these halls.
I look forward to this.

I must now continue to make my new mask, one which will never die.
Move along, citizen.

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Angst, angst, and more angst.

I usually don’t feel guilty about bad things I do, but right now I feel awful. I really can’t explain how horrible I feel right now.

Katie called Mary to try and patch things up, and Mary told her that she’ll never forgive her, and that Katie doesn’t deserve me. Katie is crying right now. I wish I could help, but I don’t know how.
READ: If anyone reading this is confused about what I’m talking about, Katie is my girlfriend. Mary is her former best friend. Mary had a huge crush on me, I had no clue. She brought Katie with her one day, and we fell for each other instantly. Mary saw Katie with me at the mall a while ago, and that ruined their friendship. Katie has been wanting to call Mary to fix things for a while now, and you can see how it went.

I have no conscience.
I didn’t feel bad for throwing a glass bottle into the windshield of a pickup truck in a restaurant parking lot.
I didn’t feel bad for tearing the plastic door off of a children’s playhouse at the park and then hurling it off of a bridge into a river, and then proceeding to piss on it as it floated down the river.
I didn’t feel bad for hurling shaken-up cans of soda to the bottom of a 200 foot drop at Arch Rock on Mackinac Island, a National Landmark in a National Park or some shit.
I didn’t feel bad for pissing into condoms to fill them up, tying them off to make crude water-balloons, and then throwing them at the doors of people I do not know on Halloween.

So as you can see, I really don’t give a flying fuck about morality.
But this fucking bothers me. I really, really like Katie. I’m staying away from the L word though. Not lesbians. Yayyyyy Scott Pilgrim reference.
But really, I feel horrible for knowing that Katie is crying because of something that I caused.

She tells me that it’s not my fault, but FUCK! I fucking hate this shit! I don’t want her fucking crying because I had to be a fucking jackass and ruin her Goddamn friendship!
This is why I listen to punk music, anger, anger, anger.
But fucking seriously, I feel horrendous because of my actions. Guilt sucks, I hate this.

I want to fix her friendship. I really do. If anyone could find a way to tell me how, I beg of you, please comment and tell me how. I need help. Mary told her to leave me, Katie said never. I mean shit, this girl cares enough about me that she’d pick me over her best friend since 1st grade.
It sounds like a bitch move on Katie’s part, but she’s really just doing what makes her happy, not something out of spite.

This is probably the whiniest post I’ve ever made, and if you’ve read through all of this, I’m sorry you had to suffer through that. Too much angst. I hope I can find a way to sort this out, or at least improve the mood around here.

This photo is a quote from Stephen King. It’s very true, and I feel like I have a monster living inside of me. Christ, this is really tearing me up inside.

Stephen King quote. Very true.

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Sly Cooper is a good way to end Spring Break.

So, today is the last day of Spring Break. Rageface like you cannot believe. But I was busy in these few days that I haven’t been posting. Kelan and Calvin came back from Costa Rica to share their weed-smoking adventures, good fun.

We hung out in town for a few days, and a new era was born. The era of Cain.
You see, Cain is a rusty pipe and what I believe to be re-bar.  I found these items, bent the re-bar, and put it inside of the 3 foot long rusty pipe to create something that looks like the cane that Sly Cooper carries in the Sly Cooper video games.
It looks something like this.

I decided to spell his (yes, Cain is a living entity, bitches) name as Cain, in honor of that douchebag in the Bible who kills his brother, Abel.
Cain is basically who I speak through to say all of the unspeakably horrible things that I think. I do this by saying things like, “Cain thinks we should build a giant shutter to cover the sun, then open and close it quickly to kill all of the epileptics of the world.”

I would also demand that I carry Cain all around town, and needed him to be able to perform everyday tasks. I’d open doors with him, pick shit up – Basically, I pissed everyone off with Cain, and it was so fucking fun.

I might be taking Katie shopping today to buy clothes for her friend’s party this weekend, and Kelan and I will be derping around town this afternoon since it’s 70 degrees outside.

But typing that Cain looked like Sly Cooper’s cane brings back memories of said video game.  I started gaming when I was 6, and Sly was one of the first games I owned. To this day, the Sly Cooper series forever holds a special place in my heart. I still remember long days of playing the original Sly nonstop even though I’d already beaten it.
Sly 2:Band of Thieves was my favorite of the series, though. The original focused on the mysterious, owl-like enemy Clockwork toward the end of the game, but Sly 2 focused on him for just about the whole game. The mechanical bird was a fantastic antagonist, and always drew me in.
Sly 3 was still a strong entry, but not as good as the others. It wrapped up the story of each character by bringing almost all of them back, yet it managed to do so in a good fashion.

I’m still waiting for a Sly 4 though. Sly’s developer, Suckerpunch, made inFAMOUS. inFAMOUS’s Cole had some very Sly-like animations, which makes me think that the game might have originally started out as Sly 4. inFAMOUS 2 releases June 7, so we’ll see if after that we get a fourth chapter in the Sly franchise.

Until then, the Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim will be consuming my life~

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