I usually don’t feel guilty about bad things I do, but right now I feel awful. I really can’t explain how horrible I feel right now.
Katie called Mary to try and patch things up, and Mary told her that she’ll never forgive her, and that Katie doesn’t deserve me. Katie is crying right now. I wish I could help, but I don’t know how.
READ: If anyone reading this is confused about what I’m talking about, Katie is my girlfriend. Mary is her former best friend. Mary had a huge crush on me, I had no clue. She brought Katie with her one day, and we fell for each other instantly. Mary saw Katie with me at the mall a while ago, and that ruined their friendship. Katie has been wanting to call Mary to fix things for a while now, and you can see how it went.
I have no conscience.
I didn’t feel bad for throwing a glass bottle into the windshield of a pickup truck in a restaurant parking lot.
I didn’t feel bad for tearing the plastic door off of a children’s playhouse at the park and then hurling it off of a bridge into a river, and then proceeding to piss on it as it floated down the river.
I didn’t feel bad for hurling shaken-up cans of soda to the bottom of a 200 foot drop at Arch Rock on Mackinac Island, a National Landmark in a National Park or some shit.
I didn’t feel bad for pissing into condoms to fill them up, tying them off to make crude water-balloons, and then throwing them at the doors of people I do not know on Halloween.
So as you can see, I really don’t give a flying fuck about morality.
But this fucking bothers me. I really, really like Katie. I’m staying away from the L word though. Not lesbians. Yayyyyy Scott Pilgrim reference.
But really, I feel horrible for knowing that Katie is crying because of something that I caused.
She tells me that it’s not my fault, but FUCK! I fucking hate this shit! I don’t want her fucking crying because I had to be a fucking jackass and ruin her Goddamn friendship!
This is why I listen to punk music, anger, anger, anger.
But fucking seriously, I feel horrendous because of my actions. Guilt sucks, I hate this.
I want to fix her friendship. I really do. If anyone could find a way to tell me how, I beg of you, please comment and tell me how. I need help. Mary told her to leave me, Katie said never. I mean shit, this girl cares enough about me that she’d pick me over her best friend since 1st grade.
It sounds like a bitch move on Katie’s part, but she’s really just doing what makes her happy, not something out of spite.
This is probably the whiniest post I’ve ever made, and if you’ve read through all of this, I’m sorry you had to suffer through that. Too much angst. I hope I can find a way to sort this out, or at least improve the mood around here.
This photo is a quote from Stephen King. It’s very true, and I feel like I have a monster living inside of me. Christ, this is really tearing me up inside.